Possibly neg, I'm ok right now 

The more I live and the more I realize it always boils down to choosing two options between those three:

- Be happy
- Work
- Socialize

I don't remember being able to sustain a good enough balance between my work, socialization and mental health for more than a few days.

If I work and socialize, I'm broken in hours or days. If I work and take care of myself, I neglect my friends and loved ones. If I focus on others, while taking care of myself, then I cannot work.

I wonder if some people manage to do all of this in a sustainable way?

Long, goodbye, neg topics 

One of the reasons I posted that is I'm barely able to keep up with what's going in your lives. I wanted you to know that, and why.

I used to be more supportive, more present, more helpful here. I know it wasn't much anyway, but I tried to give a little. Emotional or financial support for instance. Or at least interact with people around me, show them they were read and valued.

I don't seem to be able to do that anymore. I don't engage in meaningful discussions. I don't say hi in the morning, or good night before going to bed. I'm not sending kind words to friends who are really having a hard time.

These days, the only reason I'm coming back here is to reduce anxiety. By reading all the interesting stuff you write and share (which I don't do), view your nudes or pictures (which I don't take or publish), or enjoying your tokens of affection and support (which I don't send back to you).

I'm not feeling guilty about this. Just sad. I mostly know why I don't do this anymore.

It's a matter of (broken) balance, and I'm slowly coming to terms with the truth: I don't think I'll ever be able to find this balance.

Sometimes it will look like I did, for a very short time. Then it'll break under the load, spectacularly.

Over the pas decade, I had dozens of breakdowns like this. I'll have dozens, hundreds more. I have to accept this handicap. This is the first time I actually use this word to describe what I experience.

I don't know where it comes from, or what it is. It's here anyway, there is a pattern and I cannot find a way around it, so I have to deal with it.

I love you, truly. What you gave me over the past three years, it's indescriptible.

I wish I could be more present, but, more likely, you will hear me less, if at all. I still plan to come here for the time being, mainly to lurk, and for work-related discussions.

You're welcome to reach out to me directly by email at contact@eliotberriot.com or through Matrix: Eliot:matrix.org

Maybe I'll be better someday and able to be more present here.

Goodbye, I love you all

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Long, goodbye, neg topics 

@eliotberriot
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