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sometimes my partners and i will ad-lib an advice column written by "kenneth", a crow doing a human impersonation based on this False Knees comic falseknees.com/268.html

kenneth answers questions from crows experiencing crow problems, crows making up human problems, humans making up crow problems, and humans with human problems. never really sure which is which, kenneth will often accuse advice-seekers of not being crows.

dear kenneth,

i have dunked my beak in a discarded ranch cup and now the other birds are calling me "ranch dubois" because my beak is white with ranch. how can i restore my dignity? the ranch was very tasty and this will probably happen again

- ranch dubois

dear ranch dubois,

eat a french fry. dunk it in a puddle. the starch and water will restore your beak to its elegant black.

- kenneth

dear kenneth,

i am stuck in traffic! i am sitting on my car and honking my hoarne but there is still traffic? i have spilled coffee all over my khakis. i think i may have always been stuck in traffic. will it ever end?

- regular traffic person

dear regular traffic person,

just fly away! get revenge on traffic by dropping nuts in the road so passing car-beasts will crack them. alternatively, other regular traffic people will be panicked by the falling objects, because they are foolish and without feathers.

- kenneth

do you think birds ever asked elephants for favors? like placing a nut on the ground, hoping an elephant would crack it; eventually the elephant figures out the deal and cracking nuts becomes a conscious and voluntary act. i wonder 🤷‍♀️

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