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depression, selfharm adjacent, mh (-) 

Depression is knowing that nobody would catch you in time.

Knowing that it'd hurt less to feel the edge.

Being okay with the life you live just...stopping.

Realizing that nobody is watching you, and there are six objects within arm's reach that could make it stop.

make it stop
make it stop
make it stop

makeitstop

gritting my teeth and MAKING myself get angry enough to NOT DIE.

that's depression.
that's my flavour of it.

that's the constant companion when i drive, or when near heavy equipment, or a week's worth of medication.

tempting me to just...stop paying attention.
dissociate, and let physics and entropy do the rest.

it would be easy.
it'd be like relaxing into a kiss.
it will not hurt like it hurts now.

ha.

nothing hurts like it hurts now.
hurt is relative, and knife-edges are so easy, a slip and a slide and it's like oil cutting water.

fuck i miss tipsy
fuck this world
fuck these tears

*it would be easy*

kink? adjacent, depression, selfharm adjacent, mh (-) 

yes, I talk about my depression publicly now.

after Detroit, especially.

If talking about it helps anyone, someone, anywhere, hold on just a little bit longer, then...good, I guess?

genius.com/Badflower-ghost-lyr

I want to end *so damn much*.

I think about it when I'm alone, when I'm with other people, when I'm getting a hug and when there's nobody around.

It's as pervasive as the constant vigilance, as all encompassing as the air around me, it's the hope that the thing i stepped on was something poisonous so it can stop being my fault.

(I really want it to be not-my-fault, you know?)

I want people to just...forget me, and leave my body where it lies. Maybe the ants will appreciate the contribution.

It aches inside me like an orgasm that is constantly being denied.

I really, really want to stop existing, and I fight that every day of my life.

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depression, selfharm adjacent, mh (-), disability, spoons, autism, pol/lea anger, sui 

Applying for disability (autism related) again.

They ask me to describe how i feel.

i am a minescual island of stability upon which my conciousness balances, and everythign else is deep pain.

pain in my arm. pain in my back. in my head. pain in my ankles and legs. in my hips.

pain, constantly, so much that i barely notice bruising and cuts.

All these from being assaulted by cops.

I do the work.
I fill out the forms.
I'm intentional about my honesty about how things are, and the daily problems I have.

How the chaos in my environment destablizes me more and more as my money runs out, and how i cringe away from human contact, how my coping mechanisms become less and less effective, and how many panic attacks i have.

I submit it.
Well, to be honest, @sesshirecat submits it for me, because they're helping me.

The page errors out.
All that work i just did is lost.

...
...
...

...i want to die.

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re: depression, selfharm adjacent, mh (-), disability, spoons, autism, pol/lea anger, sui 

"...this life is overwhelming and i'm ready for the next one..."

These words, the final audible sounds of Badflower's "Ghost" track, have crystallized an immense amount of the intensely "not wanting to keep living" feelings that I...wade through...on a daily basis.

The clinical names are things like "chronic depression" and "generalized anxiety disorder" but the real kicker, the one that keeps me...gritting my teeth at the edge of suicide, even now, over a year since being beaten, is that little line item "ideation".

My mind invents a thousand, thousand ways to allow my current environment to kill me.

Most of them are even painless.

step, step.
*snap*
...

...and I'm done.
Life goes on for the rest of you, and I'm part of your memory archive.

No more pain.
No more fear.
No more nightmares where I wake up checking my hands for blood.

No more lies.

Just peace.

*snap*

*IT WOULD BE SO EASY*

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depression, selfharm adjacent, mh (-), disability, spoons, autism, pol/lea anger, sui 

and that's why I keep gritting my teeth and keep telling the reaper "not today".

that's why I write this.

Because this planet needs people like you and I.
Because there's your neighbors need you and I.
Because there's enough blood on the ground already.

Because, out there, someone is reading this, and they're echoing bits of this along with their internal monologue, and they are thinking, *for the first time*:

"I am not alone."

Someone else knows what I'm going through.

Anyone can wear the mask.
That mask is fear.
That mask is "I'm fine".
That mask is a layer of plastic, cracking at the corners of our smiles.

I witness your struggle.
I witness your pain.
I walked this path, and it is too much to ask of anyone.

If you choose today, I hope you find peace.
If you choose today, I understand.

I understand.

And I choose, not today.

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selfcare, guided-meditation-ish-adjacent?, consent-adjacent, unintended consequences meta 

you may have been
(whether implicitly or explicitly)

taught that selfcare is unnecessary.
taught that it was extraneous and lazy.
taught that it was selfish.

that it was inherently wrong to take care of your own needs.
that it was wrong to take care of your body.

that may not have been what the teacher thought they were teaching.

but

what you learned are lies.

---
Care *must* for yourself first.
You cannot pour from an empty cup.

Whether milkshaking (punching?) a fascist, setting up (developing?) free software, or debating (arguing?) the finer points of how we respond (as communities or individuals) to fediverse meta, or even if you're just here for kicks and giggles:

Self care is good.
You can take time for it.
It's okay.

Breathe for yourself for a moment.
You deserve five seconds.

Feel your lower belly expand a little as the oxygen sinks into you.

Let it out.

There.
You did it.

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selfcare, sui-adjacent, guided-meditation-ish-adjacent?, consent-adjacent, unintended consequences meta 

Self-care is taking those moment to put a drop of energy into...well, you.

The job can wait.
The food can wait.
The next form letter can wait.

You can do this next time you pee.
Or at a stop light.
Even if a cop is in your face.

I know. It's hard.

Just remember to keep breathing.

Death is about the only thing "modern" medicine cannot yet fix.

Keep breathing.
Keep each-other breathing.
Keep our communities alive.
Keep our cultures intact and alive.
Keep our actions consentful and mindful of past traumas.

Keep our paths and our actions focused on the needs of the many, while being willing to sacrifice our pride for the betterment of someone in need who crosses our path.

Keep breathing.
Keep one another breathing.

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re: depression, selfharm adjacent, mh (-), disability, spoons, autism, pol/lea anger, sui 

@eryn:

@Harena and I want to favorite this for talking about it openly, and for making the choice of "not today", among other things.

That said, just be aware that if you were to make a different choice before getting a chance to properly develop *at least some* of your plans and ideas, I would have to go find your ghost AND DELIVER A SEVERE LECTURE THAT YOU WOULD NEVER FORGET FOR ALL ETERNITY, is that clear.

Also, I expect you to arrive here in live and reasonably-healthy condition. (Not that this lets you off the hook for future staying-alive, but, y'know -- baby steps.)

❤️ 💚

re: depression, selfharm adjacent, mh (-), disability, spoons, autism, pol/lea anger, sui 

re: depression, arriving safely 

@woozle @Harena we have a *lot* to talk about.

I can't wait to give you a hug.
And get a hug.
Or three.

I'm really looking forward to it, and you, of all people, are one of the huge reasons I'm still alive, today.

You cared.
You were, and are, an anchor for me in this place.

Thanks for that. <3

re: depression, arriving safely, afterlife?, sui adjacent?, climate change humor?, invoking deity? afterlifee?? 

@woozle @Harena and if I do kick the bucket before I'm good and ready, I intend to haunt the heck out of those responsible for climate change.

Wherever they are.

I'll find them and haunt their water closet and pencil jars.

So help me Zod.

>.<

re: depression, arriving safely 

@eryn

<melts, much liken unto a polar icecap but with more facial coloration and for much more pleasant reasons>

❤️ 💚 ❤️ 💚 from both of us

(Tried to write this earlier, but phone app was being uncooperative.)

@Harena

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